Day 4: Continued

Dear Future Husband,

I don't know what time zone you are in, but I am two hours away from being in the year 2011! How crazy is that?! I wonder what this year was like for you. I wonder how God blessed you and how you were challenged and what heartbreaks you experienced. I can honestly say I am glad this year is over and that I can start fresh. And who knows. Maybe I will meet you in 2011. You never know :-)

Love you. Happy New Year!

-Courtney

Day 4: Memories

So this post might be a little different from the other ones because I manly focused on my future husband and what I want in life, but this post is going to be looking back on 2010. Typical? Probably. Most everyone at this time of the year, and especially the last day of the year, are looking back on 2010 and seeing what things were good and what things were bad. It's also a great time to see how you have changed and how you have grown as a person.

That is exactly what I am going to do. :-) So here are just a few things I can honestly say I am proud of.

1) I fought hard.

- As you know already, the things I went through in my previous relationship were heartbreaking. One thing I can say is that there was a point where I said, "I've had it!" and I finally began to stand up for myself. That is not always an easy thing to do when someone is trying to bring you down, but I did it. God gave me the strength to see what was really happening in that relationship. I took action and things didn't necessarily get better, but I sure wasn't quiet about how disgusted I was.

2) I worked hard.

- I have had steady jobs since I was 16. I enjoy working, and I especially enjoy working hard. I really can't stand when people sit around and expect to be paid the same way as someone who is sweating and getting the job done. If you are gonna have a job, work hard. Don't be a lazy bum because it is seriously annoying. (sorry to rant, but it's true people)

- Anyways, I am proud of myself for working hard during my summer jobs as well as at school. I have maintained a great GPA regardless of struggles in my life. God gave me the strength to focus and run that race.

3) I loved hard.

- Even though I am kind of "anti-love" right now, I have to say that I truly have loved this year. I loved through the hard times and the bad times, and times when I seriously should not have. Even though I got it shoved in my face, at least I can say I was the one who tried, right?

- I also really love my best friend (you know who you are : ) and she and I have had many nights of crying together. She has been there for me 100 % and I would never leave her side because she has never left mine. As we get into 2011, I am sure our friendship will only grow stronger as we seek God together.

- I also love my family, who in the past I have hurt, because they have never left my side and have loved me when I didn't deserve it.

And that, my friends, is what I am thankful for. 2010 has seriously been one of the hardest years of my life so far but I survived! Tomorrow starts a new year and I am officially letting go of the past. I'm excited for what lies ahead. I can't imagine what God has in store for me. :-)

Day 3: Continued

Dear Future Husband,

I don't know what you are up to right now, but I hope you are safe and sound. It is almost the year 2011. Isn't that crazy?! Time goes by so fast and at the same time so slow. I don't have any plans for tomorrow because it is supposed to storm again and I guess I would rather just relax at home. Whatever you are going to be doing, please stay safe and know that I love you! :)

-Courtney

Day 3: Run

"This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you"

So I haven't listen to this song by Lady Antebellum much. However, it is a very sweet song and so I just got inspired today and decided to write about it. First off, their voices are AMAZING. If you don't agree, then you don't have a good taste in music. (just kidding : )

But where I want to go with this post is simply this: I want someone who I can run to. Now, God is always there for me to run to. He is never failing, and holds every tear I cry. (thank you Casting Crowns!) So I know I have God to run to. That is a fact.

What I am talking about is something I think is really important. The guy God has for me is going to be a man that I can run to in any situation. Whether it be a bad day at work or a family tragedy, I hope to marry a man who is there for me whatever the case.

Have you ever had a bad day and just wanted to be held? That is exactly what I want. He won't even need to say a word because actions speak louder than words. I want him and God to be my steady rock and be the one I run to.

Have I had that yet? No. Not really. That is really sad but you know what? I will have that someday.

And that, my friends, is exciting. :-)

Day 2: Continued

Dear Future Husband,

I had such a fun night with some great friends. I hope that you have also surrounded yourself with other God-loving people and that you are enjoying life :-) I also hope that you enjoy playing card games because, even though I am not too good at them, they are delightful! Whatever you are interested in I hope you are pursuing and enjoying it. I want you to know that whatever your talent is, I will support you and you can count on me to be front row with a big poster.

I love you :)

- Courtney

Day 2: Walls

So I am seriously loving this blogging thing. Honestly! It is such a great way to keep myself accountable as well as hopefully bless someone else's life through the process. I know I will grow into a better woman through this, but impacting someone's life would be a huge blessing as well. So thank you for reading what I have to say : )

Today's post is about walls. What I mean by this is those walls we put up after being hurt. We all do it, so it's not a shocker. And if you have never put your wall up, then congrats! I envy you for never having your heart broken. But seriously, no one is like that so I guess I am just being facetious.

You probably wouldn't know it, but I have a HUGE wall around my heart right now. It's a big brick wall in the shade of pink. Yes, pink. Red is gross in my opinion. Anyways, back to the moral of the story :)

This wall has been up for awhile now and hasn't quite been able to fall all the way down. I know I have a long way to go before that ever tumbles down, but boy oh boy do I want it to. I really don't like feeling like I can't trust. I don't know when I will be able to fully trust a man, but I guess I have to fully trust God to be able to trust a man who, shockingly, will have faults just like me.

Another reason I am really serious about my one-year journey with God is because I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Those of you who know me well, you know my story. But for those who don't, I was in a relationship for 3.5 years (yessss I know. Long time) and it, for the majority, was not good. I'm not ashamed to say that there was a ton of verbal abuse thrown at me, and I put up for it for way too long.

It is hard to know exactly who you are after someone breaks your heart like my ex did. I started to believe a lot of lies and those lies sink it deep, you know? They don't just disappear over night or just because you aren't with that guy anymore. Some issues I still have to wake up each day and make myself believe that God does not see me the way my ex did.

I have decided that I am not going to live as a victim anymore. What he did to me was inexcusable and I'm still working on the forgiving part. But what really matters is that I have a Father who loves me for exactly who I am and He made me this way for a special guy.

And that guy is going to love every single thing about me, and not try to change who I am. That makes me really happy to know that I am so special to God that He would create a guy just for me. I want a guy who will love me the way God loves me: unconditional.

Day 1: Continued

I have decided to also post sometime at night and write a little prayer for my future husband, whoever he may be. :- )

Dear Future Husband,

First off, I am sure you are unbelievable handsome! But more importantly, I hope you are spending your time wisely and getting to know God better and becoming the perfect Prince Charming for me. I am so excited to meet you someday. Please wait until my journey with God is done but if you find me before then, please be patient with me. I will be very impressed and the wait is worth it. I just know it. I am praying for you. Love you already!

- Courtney

Day 1: Firework

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

When this Katy Perry song came out I honestly didn't like it. Why? Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I am not a huge Katy fan and so it didn't spark my interest. Then I listened to the words carefully and it really hit home for me.

Seriously, this is exactly how I feel about my life right now. I'm so sick and tired of feeling hopeless and grumpy and just not "Courtney". I've always been that joyful girl who brings happiness to other people. But how can I bring happiness to others if I can't even truly feel happy anymore?

So this is where my journey begins. If you saw my Facebook then you know what the deal is, but just in case you didn't, here it is:

--> I have decided that I am going to dedicate one whole year to God. I want to find myself and figure out who I truly am in His eyes. Therefore, I am not going to date until Jan 1st, 2012. This may seem crazy but this is what I am going to do. I want to lose my heart in God and find out who He made me to be. No guy is going to fill the void in my life and I know only God will be able to satisfy. It might be hard...in fact, I know it will be. But, I am a strong woman and I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. To all of you who truly love and care for me, your prayers would be appreciated greatly as I do this. <--

Here we go :-)